Most of us come to a point in our lives when we question why we are doing what we are doing, and many of us come to realize that we may be living our lives in an effort to make our parents happy. This realization can dawn when we are in our 20s, our 40s, or even later, depending upon how tight a hold our family of origin has on our psyche. We may feel shocked or depressed by this information, but we can trust that it is coming to us at this time because we are ready to find out what it would mean to live our lives for ourselves, following the call of our own soul, and refusing any longer to be beholden to someone else’s expectations.
One of the most common reasons we are so tied into making our parents, or others, happy, is that we were not properly mirrored when we were children. We were not honored as individuals in our own right, with a will and purpose of our own, to be determined by our own unfolding. As a result, we learned to look outside of ourselves for approval, support, and direction rather than look within. The good news is that the part of us that was not adequately nurtured is still there, inside us, like a seed that has not yet received the sunlight and moisture it needs to open and to allow its inner contents to unfurl. It is never too late to provide ourselves with what we need to awaken this inner being.
There are many ways to create a safe container for ourselves so that we can turn within and shine the light of awareness there. We may join a support group, go to therapy, or start a practice of journaling every day for half an hour. This experience of becoming is well worth the difficult work that may be required of us to get there. In whatever process we choose, we may feel worse before we feel better, but we will ultimately find out how to live our lives for ourselves and how to make ourselves happy.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2009
Since Evan & Julia are at their mother's, while putting on yet another coat of paint (not because of Evan), and listening to the Beatles, I, like a few people do, did a little reflecting on the past year. I am truly amazed where I've been the last year.
This time last year I found myself having just gone through the first of many hearings on my divorce case. I found myself paying $1300 in child support a month, only seeing the children 2 nights a week for 4 hours, confused, shocked, and not knowing how I was making it from day to day. It was also at this time that I would find out who my true friends, and "family" really are.
A Guardian At Lietum was appointed, because I had enough guts to say that I didn't agree with Jackie's proposal for custody or support (this was not originally the case, thanks Lori!). I had asked some people to talk to Mrs. Beck to tell her what kind of father I am, to which only one person was willing (thanks Margaret!). This made me think and question what kind of father I really was, and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Today I don't need that, I know my priorities are always with the children, I can figure it out on my own. It also triggered me to start taking a good look at myself.
As I went along with the spring and summer, I started figuring out that my main problem was that I didn't take care of myself. I didn't eat right, didn't exercise, did not give myself periods of rest (I still don't sleep, but at least I can relax). I realized that the reason for the failure of my marriage was mostly my fault, I should've never gotten married for the reasons I did. It wasn't because of love, and it wasn't fair to me, or my spouse. I basically just tolerated her defects instead of not seeing them.
In late summer I found myself in another relationship, nothing very serious, but I had no business being in that relationship. I didn't respect myself enough to not get into the relationship, or to get out of it, until another friend pointed out that it had to do with my self-respect (thanks Mary W!). I was also signed up with a half dozen "online dating" services, and really looking for a relationship when I wasn't ready for one. This time also brought about another unexpected turn. I had added a "friend" on Facebook, and as I started watching her posts, links, and communicating, I realized that even though I had only seen my cousin Karen a couple times in my life, we had so much in common. She has been the true blessing in my life this year.
So, here we are in 2010, a new year, and a new decade. I am truly happy where I'm at today. Last year my father told me I wouldn't be truly happy unless I do certain things. I am not ashamed to say that he was wrong. I think that what has made me happy is that I am at peace with and respect myself. It also makes me happy to be able to spend a significant time with the children. Major changes in the past year? Physically, I'm eating better, more fruits & veggies and exercing twice a day. I have more energy now than I had at 18. Spiritually, I'm at peace with what I believe. Many of you will be disappointed in this, but it's not Christianity, but also not any one religion. Emotionally, I'm happy, loving, and tolerant. I get disappointed, upset, sad, but not angry, or hateful. I like to keep myself very peaceful and not let negative influences affect me too much. For some you the big question is... relationships, dating? Yes, I believe I'm finally at the point where I'm good enough with myself, respect myself enough, and have enough confidence in myself that I can care, respect, and treat someone of the opposite sex very well. More so than any other time in my life. This has been the biggest step for me. Now my problem is I may be TOO picky, and am looking for someone that will treat me the way I will treat her. It may be a long journey, but I do have someone in mind. More on this as, and if, it develops.
Also, I want to mention something about people at work. Quite often you hear the term "Walmart family" and you laugh and think "what a bunch of BS". This year has proven what "Walmart family" really is, and quite a few people at Walmart have been more of a family to me than my own family. They've been honest, shared great advice, and their experiences to help me through some tough times. Thank you to all my Walmart family. You all are great!
I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I'm hoping this year will bring someone special into my life to share life’s' moments with.
I also hope you all have a wonderful 2010 and thank you for being a part of my life.
Peace.
This time last year I found myself having just gone through the first of many hearings on my divorce case. I found myself paying $1300 in child support a month, only seeing the children 2 nights a week for 4 hours, confused, shocked, and not knowing how I was making it from day to day. It was also at this time that I would find out who my true friends, and "family" really are.
A Guardian At Lietum was appointed, because I had enough guts to say that I didn't agree with Jackie's proposal for custody or support (this was not originally the case, thanks Lori!). I had asked some people to talk to Mrs. Beck to tell her what kind of father I am, to which only one person was willing (thanks Margaret!). This made me think and question what kind of father I really was, and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Today I don't need that, I know my priorities are always with the children, I can figure it out on my own. It also triggered me to start taking a good look at myself.
As I went along with the spring and summer, I started figuring out that my main problem was that I didn't take care of myself. I didn't eat right, didn't exercise, did not give myself periods of rest (I still don't sleep, but at least I can relax). I realized that the reason for the failure of my marriage was mostly my fault, I should've never gotten married for the reasons I did. It wasn't because of love, and it wasn't fair to me, or my spouse. I basically just tolerated her defects instead of not seeing them.
In late summer I found myself in another relationship, nothing very serious, but I had no business being in that relationship. I didn't respect myself enough to not get into the relationship, or to get out of it, until another friend pointed out that it had to do with my self-respect (thanks Mary W!). I was also signed up with a half dozen "online dating" services, and really looking for a relationship when I wasn't ready for one. This time also brought about another unexpected turn. I had added a "friend" on Facebook, and as I started watching her posts, links, and communicating, I realized that even though I had only seen my cousin Karen a couple times in my life, we had so much in common. She has been the true blessing in my life this year.
So, here we are in 2010, a new year, and a new decade. I am truly happy where I'm at today. Last year my father told me I wouldn't be truly happy unless I do certain things. I am not ashamed to say that he was wrong. I think that what has made me happy is that I am at peace with and respect myself. It also makes me happy to be able to spend a significant time with the children. Major changes in the past year? Physically, I'm eating better, more fruits & veggies and exercing twice a day. I have more energy now than I had at 18. Spiritually, I'm at peace with what I believe. Many of you will be disappointed in this, but it's not Christianity, but also not any one religion. Emotionally, I'm happy, loving, and tolerant. I get disappointed, upset, sad, but not angry, or hateful. I like to keep myself very peaceful and not let negative influences affect me too much. For some you the big question is... relationships, dating? Yes, I believe I'm finally at the point where I'm good enough with myself, respect myself enough, and have enough confidence in myself that I can care, respect, and treat someone of the opposite sex very well. More so than any other time in my life. This has been the biggest step for me. Now my problem is I may be TOO picky, and am looking for someone that will treat me the way I will treat her. It may be a long journey, but I do have someone in mind. More on this as, and if, it develops.
Also, I want to mention something about people at work. Quite often you hear the term "Walmart family" and you laugh and think "what a bunch of BS". This year has proven what "Walmart family" really is, and quite a few people at Walmart have been more of a family to me than my own family. They've been honest, shared great advice, and their experiences to help me through some tough times. Thank you to all my Walmart family. You all are great!
I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I'm hoping this year will bring someone special into my life to share life’s' moments with.
I also hope you all have a wonderful 2010 and thank you for being a part of my life.
Peace.
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