Living for Ourselves

Most of us come to a point in our lives when we question why we are doing what we are doing, and many of us come to realize that we may be living our lives in an effort to make our parents happy. This realization can dawn when we are in our 20s, our 40s, or even later, depending upon how tight a hold our family of origin has on our psyche. We may feel shocked or depressed by this information, but we can trust that it is coming to us at this time because we are ready to find out what it would mean to live our lives for ourselves, following the call of our own soul, and refusing any longer to be beholden to someone else’s expectations.

One of the most common reasons we are so tied into making our parents, or others, happy, is that we were not properly mirrored when we were children. We were not honored as individuals in our own right, with a will and purpose of our own, to be determined by our own unfolding. As a result, we learned to look outside of ourselves for approval, support, and direction rather than look within. The good news is that the part of us that was not adequately nurtured is still there, inside us, like a seed that has not yet received the sunlight and moisture it needs to open and to allow its inner contents to unfurl. It is never too late to provide ourselves with what we need to awaken this inner being.

There are many ways to create a safe container for ourselves so that we can turn within and shine the light of awareness there. We may join a support group, go to therapy, or start a practice of journaling every day for half an hour. This experience of becoming is well worth the difficult work that may be required of us to get there. In whatever process we choose, we may feel worse before we feel better, but we will ultimately find out how to live our lives for ourselves and how to make ourselves happy.

2009

Since Evan & Julia are at their mother's, while putting on yet another coat of paint (not because of Evan), and listening to the Beatles, I, like a few people do, did a little reflecting on the past year. I am truly amazed where I've been the last year.

This time last year I found myself having just gone through the first of many hearings on my divorce case. I found myself paying $1300 in child support a month, only seeing the children 2 nights a week for 4 hours, confused, shocked, and not knowing how I was making it from day to day. It was also at this time that I would find out who my true friends, and "family" really are.

A Guardian At Lietum was appointed, because I had enough guts to say that I didn't agree with Jackie's proposal for custody or support (this was not originally the case, thanks Lori!). I had asked some people to talk to Mrs. Beck to tell her what kind of father I am, to which only one person was willing (thanks Margaret!). This made me think and question what kind of father I really was, and couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. Today I don't need that, I know my priorities are always with the children, I can figure it out on my own. It also triggered me to start taking a good look at myself.
As I went along with the spring and summer, I started figuring out that my main problem was that I didn't take care of myself. I didn't eat right, didn't exercise, did not give myself periods of rest (I still don't sleep, but at least I can relax). I realized that the reason for the failure of my marriage was mostly my fault, I should've never gotten married for the reasons I did. It wasn't because of love, and it wasn't fair to me, or my spouse. I basically just tolerated her defects instead of not seeing them.

In late summer I found myself in another relationship, nothing very serious, but I had no business being in that relationship. I didn't respect myself enough to not get into the relationship, or to get out of it, until another friend pointed out that it had to do with my self-respect (thanks Mary W!). I was also signed up with a half dozen "online dating" services, and really looking for a relationship when I wasn't ready for one. This time also brought about another unexpected turn. I had added a "friend" on Facebook, and as I started watching her posts, links, and communicating, I realized that even though I had only seen my cousin Karen a couple times in my life, we had so much in common. She has been the true blessing in my life this year.

So, here we are in 2010, a new year, and a new decade. I am truly happy where I'm at today. Last year my father told me I wouldn't be truly happy unless I do certain things. I am not ashamed to say that he was wrong. I think that what has made me happy is that I am at peace with and respect myself. It also makes me happy to be able to spend a significant time with the children. Major changes in the past year? Physically, I'm eating better, more fruits & veggies and exercing twice a day. I have more energy now than I had at 18. Spiritually, I'm at peace with what I believe. Many of you will be disappointed in this, but it's not Christianity, but also not any one religion. Emotionally, I'm happy, loving, and tolerant. I get disappointed, upset, sad, but not angry, or hateful. I like to keep myself very peaceful and not let negative influences affect me too much. For some you the big question is... relationships, dating? Yes, I believe I'm finally at the point where I'm good enough with myself, respect myself enough, and have enough confidence in myself that I can care, respect, and treat someone of the opposite sex very well. More so than any other time in my life. This has been the biggest step for me. Now my problem is I may be TOO picky, and am looking for someone that will treat me the way I will treat her. It may be a long journey, but I do have someone in mind. More on this as, and if, it develops.

Also, I want to mention something about people at work. Quite often you hear the term "Walmart family" and you laugh and think "what a bunch of BS". This year has proven what "Walmart family" really is, and quite a few people at Walmart have been more of a family to me than my own family. They've been honest, shared great advice, and their experiences to help me through some tough times. Thank you to all my Walmart family. You all are great!

I don't make New Year's resolutions, but I'm hoping this year will bring someone special into my life to share life’s' moments with.

I also hope you all have a wonderful 2010 and thank you for being a part of my life.
Peace.

Follow-up on Facebook note "Beautiful"

I said there would be more on this later, and later is here. I've been thinking about a note my cousin Karen posted on what's it all for. Some of it makes sense, some of it goes over my head. I'm nowhere close to being on the spiritual plane she is, maybe not even in the same sky (oops, wrong kind of plane). Seriously though, I respect that and think that maybe I don't want to be. So here's where I'm at for now. I said that I can relate to Eminem's "Beautiful" and here's why. The first actual words I noticed was "be true to you". For me today, that is so true. For 16 years I tried to be someone I wasn't to make someone else happy with me. For 16 years I tried unsuccessfully, because I wasn't being me. And after 16 years, I didn't even know who "me" was. I've learned that I really don't care what people think of me, I'm doing what I like and going to have some fun now. No one can tell me I'm not beautiful as a person, because I think I am (not talking about physical appearances). I thought about the last couple years of my life, and I can understand being depressed, trying to get out of a slump and back on top of my game. There's a lot of stuff I didn't and to a point still haven't dealt with. First my cousin Jake dying at such a young age was a real blow to me. One of my strongest memories of him was how big his heart was so early in life. I remember him picking pebbles out of his dad's back after Uncle Jeff's motorcycle accident for what seemed like hours. That is the kind of person I like to be, always have a big heart and care about people. Then came my divorce, with so many issues that I didn't even know where to begin to address them, and felt like I had no support, that "my side" of the story wasn't being understood. I was going through life like a zombie. Then support and light came from one of the least expected places, from my biologicial mother, Margaret (more on my life story later). When she told me how she saw things, I finally understood that a lot of people may be fooled, but not everyone was. This was a life changer for me. It gave me the motivation to fight for the right to see my children, and things have gotten better ever since. After that came the death of my Grandpa Wills, which I haven't begun to deal with yet. Eminem said he decided to pick up his pen, I pick up my keyboard. Blogs and Facebook notes have been a wonderful outlet for me. Eminem also talks about walking in your shoes, you walk in mine, feeling your pain, you feel mine. Also talks about going inside each others' minds and seeing through each other's eyes. Although he thinks of it different, I also like to do this with almost everyone I deal with. Especially people at work who aren't performing up to "standard". What are they going through, how do they see things from their perspective? I also believe the "standard" is always changing, as you reach the standard, it moves up.So often people aren't willing to realize that everyone is going through something a little different, and we just need to strive to have a little understanding. I also understand just wanting to fit in. I've felt like I've never fit in because I'm always questioning things, asking why, and have a problem just accepting what I'm told is fact. "It just is..." is not an option for me. Now, I strive NOT to fit in, to be different (hopefully in a positive way), and for some reason get pleasure out shocking people. I found out last night that I'm very successful in this somewhat. Someone says "I can't believe you said that", someone else says "I can, it's just Gene, we worked with him before and are used to it." I guess I have to change my tactics a little. :) I think that was the final straw for my marriage, I got tired of agreeing even though I didn't agree. I decided to stick up for what I think and say what I really feel. I try to say it in a way that's not too hurtful, but my feelings don't need to be disregarded or invalidated. So who am I today? I love life, my children, adrenaline rushes, thinking, making other people think, and not fitting in. I've tried to be "normal", and can't stand it. I'm also about doing what I want to do and not caring what people think. On the other hand, I've got a lot of love for people, and someday someone is going to figure that out and appreciate the attention I can give her, and also appreciate that I'm me and love me for being that way and not being what anyone else wants me to be. Until then, I will enjoy the single life, and have lots of fun. I like to have fun!!! Yes, it sucks being single, and is lonely sometimes (especially when it's Mom's time with the children), but I also like the fact that it's simple, no one's complicating things except for my own mind, which I can control to some extent (in case you missed it, joke). I am also enjoying doing what I want to when I want to do it. You all are beautiful, and so am I. If you read this whole thing through, thank you. Hopefully it will help whatever bad situation you're in, or if not, then give you some insight as to why I do some things that I do, or who I am or am becoming. Life is so much better today.
"Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulThey can all get f**ked just stay true to you."

Friends

So I was thinking last night (imagine that) while stocking the cereal aisle about stuff other than cereal. Being on third shift lets me catch up with my thoughts; no one bothers me too much. Anyway, I decided that I really don't talk to anyone, and when I do it comes out a discombobulated mess because my mouth can’t keep up with my thoughts. Believe it or not, my fingers can. I’m so glad I took two years of typing in high school. So I decided to go this route as therapy for myself, to express myself. Sometimes the guitar just doesn’t cut it.First, I will say a lot about perspectives, mine, other peoples’. I learned a lesson, or had an “aha” moment yesterday into last night. I was told that someone thinks I’m obsessed about someone else. At first I was really defensive, but then thought about it last night. It’s odd, I’m rarely called that, and when I am the word has an –ive at the end and followed by the word “compulsive”. So my thought process went like this – “Wtf, dude doesn’t even know me.” Aha, put myself in his shoes; he doesn’t know the full story, and if I knew as little as he did, I would think that I’m obsessed also. Besides, when did I start caring what anyone thought of me? And, he’s somewhat right. For my “work friends” (Facebook list) this will come as a shock, for any family, it won’t. When I think about it, I do get obsessed, it’s part of the addict in me (no, I haven’t used drugs for 18 years). If I find something that I find pleasing, I become obsessed with getting it and more of it. That can be anything from alcohol, drugs, sex, chocolate, ice cream,to cake, etc. But I have to remember to control it, and that “too much of a good thing can be bad” (Got this from Yo Gabba Gabba, yes Evan is allowed to watch it). All that to say, please don’t judge if I’m right or wrong, my thoughts are dependent on my perspective, you may have more or less life experiences than I do. I may change my perspective from day to day, depending on what happens to me. I was also asked if I was going to post that I felt “used & abused” on Facebook. The answer was no, but not on my Wall where everyone can see as soon as they go to Facebook. I do feel a little used (abused, I like that too much), but nothing that I’m not over in about..., well, I’m over it. I’m joking if you didn’t notice, I’ve got a little thicker skin than that, and I love Kanye’s song “What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger”. I should be Superman by now.So I am writing mainly as an outlet for myself; I may publish on Facebook, Twitter, or MSN places, or not. If you don’t like what I’m saying, don’t read it. If someone can relate and feel not as alone as I feel sometimes, and realize that they aren’t unique in their situation, then it’ll be well worth it.So my thought is on friends. I got a Facebook message last week something to the effect of “Dude, who can you really trust?” My response to that was “Basically no one but myself.” I don’t like that answer, but I do. It says first of all that I’m not willing to trust anyone with my feelings, and in the last year that has become even truer. Second, it says I’m a fool for trusting myself. Lol. Yes, I do have a trust issue. But when I really think about it, I call quite a few people “friend”. For example, my friend Becky in Watertown, my friend Peg, my buddy Dick (another Watertown person), and my buddy Mike at Jefferson…. What I’m getting at is do I really call people my friend because I consider them my friend and trust them, or is it just a term? The conclusion is that, yes, I really trust them and tell those things I don’t tell everyone. So what got me thinking about this was my status post last night. The comment I saw when I woke up was “ GN! My friend :-) “It was so innocent, but I had never thought of this person as really a “friend”, but still it was nice to say. (I am now reevaluating this online “friendship”). Sometimes I hear the term at work. “Gene, my friend”, but usually following that, the person wants something from me. It’s really nice and sincere when I hear it from a customer, “Sir, how are you my friend”. Too bad he doesn’t have a Facebook. I also posted last week that a stranger is just a friend you haven’t met yet. I still believe this. With that, I’m proud of my growth as a person, I used to hate being around people. I thank Walmart for my growth in this area of my life. It’s very difficult to work at Walmart and hate being around people. Uh-oh, Walmart did something good for an individual that works for them, don’t tell anyone. j/k So those are my thoughts that I needed to get out. To everyone who is reading this:Have a good day my friends!

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Love playing the blues!