Follow-up on Facebook note "Beautiful"

I said there would be more on this later, and later is here. I've been thinking about a note my cousin Karen posted on what's it all for. Some of it makes sense, some of it goes over my head. I'm nowhere close to being on the spiritual plane she is, maybe not even in the same sky (oops, wrong kind of plane). Seriously though, I respect that and think that maybe I don't want to be. So here's where I'm at for now. I said that I can relate to Eminem's "Beautiful" and here's why. The first actual words I noticed was "be true to you". For me today, that is so true. For 16 years I tried to be someone I wasn't to make someone else happy with me. For 16 years I tried unsuccessfully, because I wasn't being me. And after 16 years, I didn't even know who "me" was. I've learned that I really don't care what people think of me, I'm doing what I like and going to have some fun now. No one can tell me I'm not beautiful as a person, because I think I am (not talking about physical appearances). I thought about the last couple years of my life, and I can understand being depressed, trying to get out of a slump and back on top of my game. There's a lot of stuff I didn't and to a point still haven't dealt with. First my cousin Jake dying at such a young age was a real blow to me. One of my strongest memories of him was how big his heart was so early in life. I remember him picking pebbles out of his dad's back after Uncle Jeff's motorcycle accident for what seemed like hours. That is the kind of person I like to be, always have a big heart and care about people. Then came my divorce, with so many issues that I didn't even know where to begin to address them, and felt like I had no support, that "my side" of the story wasn't being understood. I was going through life like a zombie. Then support and light came from one of the least expected places, from my biologicial mother, Margaret (more on my life story later). When she told me how she saw things, I finally understood that a lot of people may be fooled, but not everyone was. This was a life changer for me. It gave me the motivation to fight for the right to see my children, and things have gotten better ever since. After that came the death of my Grandpa Wills, which I haven't begun to deal with yet. Eminem said he decided to pick up his pen, I pick up my keyboard. Blogs and Facebook notes have been a wonderful outlet for me. Eminem also talks about walking in your shoes, you walk in mine, feeling your pain, you feel mine. Also talks about going inside each others' minds and seeing through each other's eyes. Although he thinks of it different, I also like to do this with almost everyone I deal with. Especially people at work who aren't performing up to "standard". What are they going through, how do they see things from their perspective? I also believe the "standard" is always changing, as you reach the standard, it moves up.So often people aren't willing to realize that everyone is going through something a little different, and we just need to strive to have a little understanding. I also understand just wanting to fit in. I've felt like I've never fit in because I'm always questioning things, asking why, and have a problem just accepting what I'm told is fact. "It just is..." is not an option for me. Now, I strive NOT to fit in, to be different (hopefully in a positive way), and for some reason get pleasure out shocking people. I found out last night that I'm very successful in this somewhat. Someone says "I can't believe you said that", someone else says "I can, it's just Gene, we worked with him before and are used to it." I guess I have to change my tactics a little. :) I think that was the final straw for my marriage, I got tired of agreeing even though I didn't agree. I decided to stick up for what I think and say what I really feel. I try to say it in a way that's not too hurtful, but my feelings don't need to be disregarded or invalidated. So who am I today? I love life, my children, adrenaline rushes, thinking, making other people think, and not fitting in. I've tried to be "normal", and can't stand it. I'm also about doing what I want to do and not caring what people think. On the other hand, I've got a lot of love for people, and someday someone is going to figure that out and appreciate the attention I can give her, and also appreciate that I'm me and love me for being that way and not being what anyone else wants me to be. Until then, I will enjoy the single life, and have lots of fun. I like to have fun!!! Yes, it sucks being single, and is lonely sometimes (especially when it's Mom's time with the children), but I also like the fact that it's simple, no one's complicating things except for my own mind, which I can control to some extent (in case you missed it, joke). I am also enjoying doing what I want to when I want to do it. You all are beautiful, and so am I. If you read this whole thing through, thank you. Hopefully it will help whatever bad situation you're in, or if not, then give you some insight as to why I do some things that I do, or who I am or am becoming. Life is so much better today.
"Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulThey can all get f**ked just stay true to you."